- The band Lynyrd Skynyrd once wrote a song called "Free Bird", proclaiming that they were "as free as a bird". Try explaining that shit to a parakeet, a cockatoo, or a canary.
- It takes me about a week to grow a "day-after" beard. I'm not a very motivated person.
- Any object in motion will remain in motion; any object that is smaller than the object in motion and is in its way is fucked.
- The greatest thing man has concocted up until this point is duct tape. It'll fix anything: disconnected exhaust pipes, faulty electrical wires, broken bones. Too bad it fixes everything but the worst thing man has concocted: organized religion.
- "It's all about the music"... if it is a combination of instruments and / or voices that I find acceptable.
- Nazareth's lead singer once proclaimed that you're now "messing with a son of a bitch". So you best not talk about his momma.
- A "dude" is an ingrown hair that is located on one's buttocks, and a "dork" is a male whale's sexual organ. So, I hang out with a lot of pus-filled ass-bumps and whale cocks. And to think that black people were the ones who used to be refused access to public accommodations...
- You think people would realize that there is a problem when the only place it's relatively safe to admit you're an American is America. And even then, you have to watch what side of town you say it on.
- Back to Lynyrd Skynyrd for a minute: I wonder if they ever sang "Tuesday's Gone" on a Tuesday?
- I worked in a convenience store, so I was privy to quite a few people who came in and asked for directions. One day, someone asked me how to get to get to Bowling Green, which is a town twenty miles away. I gave them the directions, and I felt completely satisfied with myself until they left and continued on their way. My stomach suddenly lurched and a sense of dread crept over me; it was in that moment that I realized that I had given them the correct directions.
- Here's something I've always wanted to see: there's a black activist holding a rally, preaching about how "The Man" keeps him down and how white people are oppressing his brothers and sisters. While Mr. Black Panther is still up on stage ranting and raving about what Whitey has taken from him, an Indian makes his way up to the stage, kicks him in the nuts, pulls out his tongue, and tomahawks it off. The smallest justice is still justice.
- The week that Dr. Hunter S. Thompson died, a local newspaper printed an article by one of their editors denouncing Thompson as the worst thing to ever happen to journalism. Sounds to me like they have a bit of "fear and loathing" in Morgantown: fear that they can't do any better than writing for a shitty local newspaper, and loathing that Dr. Thompson was more important and innovative to journalism than they'll ever be. Now, tell me about those fucking golf shoes!
- The smallest and most trivial events can change the course of a person's life, even world history. Imagine how different things would have turned out for the world if Hitler had been accepted to art school? Sometimes the difference between a work of art and mass genocide is a simple complement like "I like that Adolf, keep it up". Think about that next time you're in the middle of making someone feel like a piece of crap.
- I think I've met my soul mate: my right hand. She never talks back, she's always in the mood when I am, and occasionally her best friend (my left hand) comes over and fancies a threesome. Ahh, bliss...
- Excerpt from Dr. Chris' How to Live a Happy Life: be nice to people who deserve it, keep your nose in your own business, do whatever makes you feel good as long as it doesn't make someone else feel bad, and always remember where your towel is. Oh, and don't, under any circumstances, stick it in her ass unless she asks you to.
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