The "Two Dumb Fucks" saga...

Like in a previous entry ("How the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?"), this was a story I told a friend to entertain them.

I once got suspended for writing a short script called "Two Dumb Fucks". An ex-friend of mine had stolen a copy of it from my house because it was actually pretty good and they had intentions of plagiarizing it, but they also turned a copy of it in to a teacher and said they "found it".

Of course, as was the purpose of ratting me out, I was called into the Vice Principal's office. This is almost verbatim how the conversation with Mr. Burden went:

"This was pretty good, but I have to put you in ALC."

ALC was the "Alternative Classroom". It was supposed to be a punishment in which you sat in the same room all day, took your lunch break in there, and did the same dumbass work you would've been doing had they just let you attend your classes that day (which was inherently punishment enough). But, really, the only thing punishing about it is that the person they assigned to be your watchdog all day was usually a brainless, witless fucktard who couldn't help you with your work if you needed it. Not that I ever would've needed it had I ever been put in there, but the type of people that usually lived in there needed all the help they could get so they wouldn't have turned out to be a brainless, witless fucktard, too. Which they all ultimately did. And people wonder why our education system is fucked in the chocolate starfish.

Anyway, back to my story...

"No." I said.

Stunned silence and stuttering. "Uh, detention?"

"Nah."

"You know I'm going to have to suspend you then."

"Cool."

He then picks up the phone to run our conversation by my mother and approve my suspension. "Yeah, Sharon? Chris says he wants to be suspended instead of doing ALC or detention... okay, I'll let him know... She says you and her are going to Six Flags tomorrow."

"Sweet."

"You can go back to wherever now. Hey, by the way, was this story about me and Mr. Hensley?" Mr. Hensley was the Principal.

"Yep."

I went back to class, grabbed my backpack, told the teacher I had to go to ALC, and went to the school library and hung out with my librarian/academic team coach the rest of the day. This was at 8:45 am. This just happened to be the day my friend Ryan turned in a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy while I was working the check-in computer for Mrs. Carver. I'd never read it, and when he found that out he told me to check it out and fucking read it omigod dude you'll fucking love it and cum all over it and your life will never be the same again shit fuck ass cock. I made most of that up. Ryan never said cock.

Any way you slice this story, I win.