Wondering Aloud

- You know you've made it when getting kicked off of an airplane for being fat causes "Entertainment Tonight" to put Vanessa Mannillo in a fat suit, parading her around the streets of New York while videotaping people's reactions to her. Snootch to the motherfucking nootch, Kev!

- I have to admit, the "Down Syndrome Girl" episode of "Family Guy" made me a bit uneasy, but for Sarah Palin to use it as an opportunity to once again open her god-forsaken cocksucker makes me want to puke in Short Round's Yankees hat. Comedy is supposed to have absolutely no taboos or boundaries. Like George Carlin said, "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." Hell, the character was voiced by an actress with Down Syndrome! Get a fucking life, ya crazy cunt!

- You know what Tiger should've said at his press conference? "I would just like to take this opportunity to say a few things: Rachel was like fucking a five-gallon bucket of water. Jaimee also gave me the clap. Well, maybe that was Elin. I'm not sure which. Joslyn was the best fuck of them all... after all, she IS the porn star of the harem. What else? Oh yeah, kiss my big brown fucking ass. Especially after, if not while, I'm wearing my next green jacket. Peace."

- Someone told me the other day that they wonder why Magic Johnson hasn't died of AIDS yet. I get this a lot, so I'm kind of exasperated at explaining the difference between being HIV positive and having AIDS. So, I told them that there was a reason his nickname is "Magic".

- I've been on a safari. It's like a really inconvenient zoo.

- I wish Ray Harryhausen special effects would make a comeback. I know they suck by today's standards, but they made the movies they were in more memorable. In fact, a lot of the movies that they're featured in probably wouldn't be watched today if it weren't for his work.

- Why is it that I can't get a chick I really want for shit, but one I absolutely do not want won't stop calling me? I must be paying for some seriously low-down shit I did in a past life.

- CBS accepted Tim Tebow's pro-life Super Bowl commercial, but rejected a gay dating site's? Whatever happened to just having spots featuring hot chicks eating Doritos and talking, alcoholic frogs?

- I just watched one of the Rocky movies. It was the one where he gets beat up real bad at the beginning of the fight but ends up winning anyway.

- Does it not pain anyone else to see Mario and Sonic appearing in the same games together? Sega should still be making consoles, and I maintain that the Dreamcast was the best console of its generation.

- For those of you who still ponder this question... you know why our government just doesn't work anymore? There have been 139 filibusters in the past two years. Our 1950s Congress, which constantly gets chastised for being closed-minded because of McCarthyism, only averaged one every two years. The lack of bipartisanship is going to bring us down. You heard it here first (actually, you probably didn't, but no one ever listens, anyway).