A cautionary tale from today...

This story isn't a very long one, but it's a very important one for you all to heed...

I decided to walk to the courthouse to vote today instead of opting for a ride. I've been trying to get out and do that more often lately, and I've succeeded in shocking my body back to life a bit after a long convalescence... but I digress. As I was walking home from voting, I decided to stop in for a drink at the grocery. In line in front of me was the smelliest, and quite possibly the ugliest, woman I've ever seen. Seriously. It was like what the Bride of Frankenstein would've looked like in reality instead of the beautiful Elsa Lanchester of the 1935 Universal film.

Anyway, after getting my drink I decided to chill and catch my breath for a few. When I was walking through the parking lot after nabbing a few gulps, I saw an absolutely horrific sight that I will never forget as long as I live... the largest fucking pair of thong panties I've ever seen. There were two reasons why this sight was worse than it normally already would have been: they were the most horrid shade of green you could possibly imagine, and they had a huge stain in them that looked like they were used for clean-up duty after a rather messy murder.

Unable to avoid the horror while it was in front of me, I decided to take off quickly and move on past them as fast as I could. About the time I reached the corner of the street, I heard what sounded like the voice of Regan in The Exorcist say, "Found 'em!" I said to myself, "Please, Chris. Don't fucking turn around you goddamn idiot. You already know who it was and what they found. YOU DON'T NEED VISUAL CONFIRMATION! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The last part was said as I completely ignored myself and did it anyway.

And, of course, my brain was right: what looked eerily similar to the Kraken got out of a beat-up, rust colored Mercury Sable and grabbed the panties. "Whew! Thought I was gonna go without underwear until I got to Walmart!" was what she exclaimed happily. I don't know what was worse: the fact that Sasquatch wore blood-stained thong underwear, that they were her only pair of underwear, or that she indicated they had been on her, taken off for whatever reason while in the car, lost in a Save-a-Lot parking lot, and that she had no underwear on at that moment because they were her only pair.

Moral of the story? Curiosity killed the cat. Or, at least, made it vomit three days worth of meals into the creek outside of Save-a-Lot.