Hail to the king, baby! I usually write my "Person of the Month" entries as abbreviated biographies. I am not going to do this for The Bruce. If you don't know all about him already, you just need to get the hell out of here right now... your kind isn't welcome here. The only thing I'm doing for the master of the B-movie is listing facts about him. Every single one of them is true and should not be questioned, lest you want your face blown off by Bruce's boomstick.________________________________
- The Necronomicon is made of the flesh of Bruce Campell's foreskin.
- Bruce Campbell's chin can in fact kill you if he points it at you. It can also blind you if you stare at it too long.
- Sharks can't swim backward, but they quickly learn how to when they run into Bruce while he is scuba diving.
- The real reason why lemmings jump off a cliff is because it's a better way to die than at the hands of Bruce Campbell.
- The sun sets because Bruce tells it to. Except in Alaska, because Bruce doesn't like eskimos.
- Eclipses are caused when the sun gets blocked by Bruce's chin.
- Bruce Campbell does not need a plate when he eats his meals. He is talented enough to balance them on his chin.
- Behind every successful man is a woman and behind her is Bruce Campbell.
- Bruce Cambell's chin is the only thing on Earth that's harder than diamonds.
- Bruce Campbell is responsible for saving us from original sin, but he's too humble to take the credit.
- Bruce Campbell is currently filing suit against God for identity theft.
- All your base are belong to Bruce Campbell.
- Bruce Campbell knows all the digits of Pi. Of course, that'd be because he invented it.
- Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless they are two shells labeled "wrong" fired from Bruce's boomstick.
- Chuck Norris isn't unbeatable... he just hasn't met Bruce.
- Nuclear bombs contain Bruce Campbell's sperm.
- Bruce Campbell killed the cat, not curiosity.
- There are no such things as dead bodies. There are only zombies who are too afraid of Bruce Campbell to get up.
- Bruce Lee did not die of cerebral edema... he lost a duel with Bruce Campbell over who the "One True Bruce" was.
And, finally...
- Bruce Campbell does not let the Wookiee win. Ever. Only a nerf herder would do that.
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